


What's Behind the Red Spoon?

by 00HD



Category: Homestuck
Genre: And Dirk is kinda Dirk, Angst, Dave is kinda lost, Gen, Jade is kinda pissed, John is kinda oblivious, Rebellion, Running Away, The Crocker kids are just John and Jade, The condesce is kinda mama-ish, Transspecies (I made that up)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-15
Updated: 2014-09-27
Packaged: 2018-02-17 11:13:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2307599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/00HD/pseuds/00HD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Not many people know what it's like living with the Condescension.<br/>If fact, only two people in the whole world know.</p><p>This is the story of John and Jade Crocker.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. PROLOGUE

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to do a fic about Alpha!John and Alpha!Jade's lives with the Condesce because I can't find any ):  
> So here you go.  
> You're welcome.
> 
> This first chapter is more to demonstrate everyone's relationship and feelings toward each other.  
> The second Chapter will help with that as well.  
> The plot will start rolling by the third chapter.

Your name is The Condescension, and your human husband has just been crushed to death by a meteor. Said meteor was also carrying a wriggler… Uh… You mean baby. It was carrying a human grub/wriggler/baby whatever you call it.

That means you have two grub/wriggler/babies to take care of, and an entire baking empire to run. But that’s fine, running an empire is easy.

You’re not so sure about raising grub/wriggler/babies. You looks down at the two of them, one (the female one) is and wide-awake and crawling around like crazy, her bright jade-green eyes are filled with wonder and curiosity. The other one (the male one) has fallen asleep in your arms and you’re not sure if you can put it down without waking it up.

You think they’re a strange mix of adorable and creepy.

You know these grub/wriggler/babies already have pre-destined names. It’s John and Jade, but you’re not sure which one is which.

You look back and forth between the two. The female is messing with the sharp edges of the coffee table and the male and squirming in his sleep. They look almost the same, they both have messy black hair and the same noses.

You decide to call the female Jade because of her eyes. It’ll be easier to remember her name that way (you hope that’s the correct name to give her). You guess that means the male is John. Speaking of the grub/wriggler/baby, your arms are getting tired from holding him.

You kind of wish Sassacre was here, he seemed to know what he was doing when it came to the little guppies. You do miss him, though you didn’t pity him, you sure felt pale for him.

You return your attention to the grub/wriggler/babies. Okay, you really need to pick a name for them… You decide you’ll just call them wrigglers. It’s easier to remember.

Your arms feel like they’re about to give out.

“Ugh. Fuck this,” you mutter. You use your psiioniics to life John out of your arms and grab Jade off the floor “Okay, I need a fuckin’ game plan.”

Jade starts fussing and whining.

“Shut it, wriggler,” you hiss.

She whines louder. Fuck, she’s going to wake up John. As if on cue, John starts to move in his sleep, he yawns and opens his eyes.

He starts crying.

“Coddamn it,” you groan. Both wrigglers are making noise now and you can feel a headache coming on.

“CLAM IT!” you yell. It doesn’t help, they cry louder. You are going to beat the shit out of them if they don’t shut up, you don’t care that they’re just wrigglers.

“What do you want?” you ask

They keep crying.

“Jegus fuckin’ Christ! Do you want to be back on the floor?!” you yell.

More crying.

“FINE!” you yell. You practically fling Jade to the floor, and drop John on the couch. Jae stops crying immediately, and John’s cries simmer down to a few whimpers.

“Thank COD,” you say, flopping onto the couch next to John. He giggles and crawls up to you. You blankly watch him crawl and he smiles up at you, gurgling and giggling. He puts his little hands on your thigh, using it to help him stand and he smiles up at you.

Holy shit he’s adorable.

These two wrigglers are going to be the end of you.

{---}{}{---}

Your name is John Crocker, and you are three sweeps old.

Right now, it’s morning. For some reason your body decided to wake you up at eight in the morning and you just couldn’t go back to sleep. You climb out of your recuperacoon, wiping as much slime off of your form as you could so you didn’t track it all over the floor. You grab some clothes and run into the bathroom.

You take a quick shower to get the rest of the slime off, then brush your teeth and hair. You have to run back into your block to grab your glasses because you forgot them.

You try hanging around your block alone for a while, but you get bored quickly. You sigh, you don’t want to see if mom’s up yet, that would be way to dangerous. You guess you could go wake Jade up.

You scurry out of your block and down the hall to Jade’s. You open the door as slowly and quietly as you can. You venture across the block to where your sister sleeps.

“Jade! Jade, wake up!” you say, dipping your head into your sister’s recuperacoon. She’s all curled up in the slime, trying to drown you out by piling some over her ears.

“Go back to sleep,” she groans, rolling over.

“Don’t make me come down there!” you threaten.

She ignores you. She knows how gross you think it is when people share ‘coons and that your threat was emptier than your mother’s pity gland. People just don’t share slime.

You pout for half a second before hatching a plan. You run into your shared bathroom and grab a cup off the counter and fill it with cold water. You dash back to the ‘coon and stick your head inside one more time.

“Jade, if you don’t get up now you’re gonna regret it!” you say, holding the water up.

Her eyes remain closed as she ignores you. You grin as you throw the water at her and laugh when she jumps out of her slime and shrieks.

“John!” she yells “you immature wriggler!” she crawls out much faster than you thought she would and tackles you, knocking you to the ground. She snarls, baring her teeth at you.

You laugh and laugh, “You should’a seen your face!” you laugh.

“God, you’re so immature!” she snarls, getting off you as you continue to laugh on the floor. Jade is a sweep older than you, so she feels like she has the right to call you a wriggler and ‘immature’. You don’t even know what immature means yet so it doesn’t really mean anything to you yet.

You roll off the floor and run down stairs. You’re pretty sure mom is up by now. You can’t wait to tell her what happened!

When you get down stairs, you find your mom sitting in the kitchen eating breakfast.

“Mom! Mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom!” you cry running up to her.

“What is it Shark Bait?” she growls. Mom has called you Shark Bait ever since she saw Finding Nemo (both of you cried at the end while Jade got bored and rewired the TV remote).

“Guess what just happened!” you say, getting up into one of the chairs.

“Hmm?”

“I pranked Jade,” you say proudly.

She looks unamused, “Uh huh,” she goes back to her food.

“Oh come on!” you say, “It was funny!”

“What did you do?” she asks, looking up at you.

“I threw some cold water on her while she slept,” you say.

She grins, showing off her sharp teeth. Some day you hope you’ll have teeth like mom. You hate how blunt yours are, in fact you hate everything about your appearance (aside from maybe your hair). You wished you looked more like mom. You used to wonder if you were some kind of genetic freak or something.

You used to ask mom when your horns would grow in or when your skin would turn grey. She never actually answered you before, you just stopped asking.

You steal some food off your mother’s plate then hop off your chair “I’m going swimming,” you say, heading for the front door.

She grunts, “don’t die.”

“Okay!”

You open the front door and are immediately met by a wave of salty sea air. You step out of the doorway and onto the boardwalk goes all around your hive. You sit down and dangle your feet into the water. The little waves lap at your feet, and you kick the water a little.

You have lived here for your entire life. They only time you have ever seen another human being is on TV. You’ve almost never left the hive, except to go swimming. The only people you have ever spoken to are your mother, and your sister.

You know your mom is the ruler of the earth, and you know that she’s incredibly powerful. She’s demonstrated her power many times. You love your mom, but you know that Jade resents her (for reasons you don’t understand yet).

Your name is John Crocker and you and your sister are the children of the Ruler of the Earth.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This whole chapter feels very rushed to me.

It’s a few sweeps later and you’re still John Crocker. You are now six sweeps and your sister is seven.

Today she had a big scare.

You heard her scream from the bathroom and both you and mom came running, but for very different reasons

“What is it?!” you yell through the door

“Why the fuck you shellin’?!” snarls Mom, towering above you.

“Mom, I’m bleeding from my nook!” she yells through the door. She sounds horrified.

You and mom exchange a look.

“I dunno what to do,” she says, she looks just as disgusted as you feel “Does it hurt?”

“YES!” she screams

You shrink away from the door “Mother of god,” you say

“Call a fucking doctor, Mom!” she screams, Jade does not sound happy “Just do something!” her voice cracks.

“Go get my shell phone, Shark Bait,” says Mom. You practically sprint to your Mom’s block. You look around for her cell phone before you find it hidden under her pile. You Mom’s pile consists of plush cuddle fish. You love snuggling up on it, but right now is really not the time.

“Here,” you say, almost throwing your Mom’s phone.

She dials what you can only assume is 911 and then the two of you wait.

Mom explains what’s happening and you try to comfort Jade through the door.

“Mom’s calling a doctor now,” you say “everything’s going to be fine!”

“Shut the fuck up, John!” yells Jade

“What the shell do you mean it’s ‘normal’?!” you hear Mom yell.

“Oh god…” groans Jade “I’m dying aren’t I?”

“No you’re not, just calm down Jade!” you say in your most soothing voice. You wish you could do that purring thing Mom does. She used to do that to calm you down when you were really, really little. You have faint memories of it.

Mom hangs up the phone and comes back to the door “The Doc says that it’s normal for a gill your age to bleed from their nook.”

“WHAT?!”

Your mind is blown “seriously?” you ask

Your Mom nods.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” Yells Jade.

“He called it a ‘Period’,” she says. Mom looks down at you “And you’d betta not start one too or Imma cull you.”

“Got it Mom,” you say, a little nervously.

“What am I gonna do?!” cries Jade.

“Imma look it up,” says Mom, turning away “you betta not bleed on anything.”

“FUCK YOU, MOM!” screams Jade.

It’s hard being the only guy in the hive.

It’s hard and nobody understands.

{---}{}{---}

It’s been about a month since Jade’s ‘period’. She told you it hurt like a bitch and you’re scared of getting one too. Mom told you that human males don’t get periods (at least according to the internet), but you’re still wary.

Lately you’ve noticed that Jade’s been acting strangely. She won’t let anyone into her Block and she’s starting fights with Mom left and right. She’s even threatened to run away a few times.

You’ve been trying to keep them from fighting, but they other day Mom almost culled Jade. You ended up yelling at them and saying they weren’t aloud to be in the same block anymore.

You never really paid attention to what they fought about, all you know is that it gets them so made they try to claw each other’s faces off.

That night, you were woken up by Jade shaking you awake 

“Huh? What is it?” you ask, rubbing the slime out of your eyes.

Jade’s green eyes stare you down as she ‘shhh’s you “Be quiet,” she says.

“Jade, what do you want?” you ask, sitting up “Oh, Jaaaaade,” you whine “Get out of my slime!”

Jade rolls her eyes “Don’t be such a wriggler,” she says. Jade settled herself in your slime. That’s so nasty “I need to ask you something!”

“What is it?” you ask “It’d better be fucking important.”

“It is,” says Jade “would you run away with me, you know, if I actually ran away?”

You stare at her “what?”

“I’m being dead serious here,” she says “would you?”

You think about that. Run away? Why? What was so bad that you had to run away? “No, I don’t think I would,” you say “Why?”

Jade gives you this looks. It’s like a mix between pity and anger “No reason, go back to sleep,” she says, crawling out of your ‘coon.

You completely forget about the conversation when you wake up in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow this took me forever.  
> Sorry I didn't work on this, I'm such a prick ;_;

That day is oddly calm. Mom and Jade haven’t been fighting at all and Jade has been very nice to you. It’s really creeping you out.

“Hey Mom,” you say when Jade was out of the block.

“Hmm?” she asks

“Has Jade been acting weird to you?” you ask “or is it just me.”

“Nah, she’s been acting weird,” she says, looking down at you “I mean, weirder than normal. You should keep an eye on her, buoy.”

“But she’s being so nice to me, it’s creeping me out!” you whine.

She glares at you, her fuchsia eyes glinting.

“Uh… right. I’ll keep an eye on her,” you say, cringing away.

The rest of the day passes without incident. It worries you, something feels very wrong in your bones. It’s like when a storm is passing through, you can feel the weight of it as it comes and goes.

That night you say goodnight to Jade and Mom and go to bed. As you walk down the hall, Jade jogs up to you.

“Hey John,” she says

“Hmm? Oh, what is it?” you ask

She puts a hand on your shoulder and looks down at you. Jade has got taller than you, and you only just now noticed. Her green eyes bore into your blue ones

“I wanted to say that I love you very much, okay? No matter what happens I love you,” she says. The sincerity of her words hits you like a lightning bolt.

“Jade, what are going to do?” you ask worriedly, gulping a little.

She gives you a small smile “nothing, I just wanted you to know,” with that she releases you and heads back to her room.

You stand there for a moment, thinking about what Jade had said. You shake your head, and walk into your block.

Man, Jade can be so weird sometimes, you think. You climb out of your clothes and into your recuperacoon. You cover yourself in slime and try to sleep, but you keep thinking about Jade’s words.

At twelve o’clock you finally fall asleep.

{---}{}{---}

You wake up to the sound of something falling on your recuperacoon and the sound of shuffling around your room. You sit up and rub the slime out of your eyes.

You peek out the small window of your recuperacoon, and see Jade rummaging around your room!

“Jade?” you mumble. You crawl towards the opening to your recuperacoon, only to find it’s blocked!

“What the fuck?” You try to captchalogue whatever is blocking it and you realize with growing horror that you can’t, whatever it is has a captchalock on it.

Captchalocks were used to make it so people couldn’t steal things or accidently rip holes in houses. The Lock makes it impossible to captchalogue whatever it is that’s locked. To unlock it you have to enter the code to the lock.

You do not know the code to this lock. You crawl back over to the window and look out. Jade is rummaging through your winter clothes and weapons.

You bang on the window “Jade? Jade, what are you doing?! Let me out!” you yell. Your voice echoes around your ‘coon, but it doesn’t reach the outside world.

Jade turns to face you, hearing your banging. On her back is a satchel and she’s wearing all black. Her face is solemn and blank, but she looks sad. She pulls a piece of paper out of her pocket and walks over to your ‘coon

“Jade? Jade this isn’t funny anymore!” you yell, your voice ascends a few octaves. You are genuinely scared, you don’t know what’s going on or why and you don’t know why Jade’s trapped you in your recuperacoon.

She tapes something to the side of your ‘coon and grabs some of the stuff she’d been rummaging through.

“JADE STOP!” you yell, banging on the window “LET ME OUT!”

She takes one last look at you, her hand on the door handle. Her eyes are full of apologetic sorrow and disappointment. This look sends you over the edge, you begin to cry.

“Jade,” you whisper, feebly hitting the side of you recuperacoon. You realize what she’s doing. She has to be kidding… This can’t be happening.

She’s running away.

Jade takes a hold of the handle and quietly turns it, stepping out of your room. You yell and shout and bang on the side of your recuperacoon, trying to get her attention or Mom’s attention, but the walls are too thick and it sounds like soft footsteps instead of furious hitting.

You watch as she leaves, he receding back and long hair is that last thing you of her.

You won’t see your sister again for a long, long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lame endings are lame.


	4. Chapter 4

You realize something’s wrong when neither of the wrigglers are awake when you are. John is usually up and at it long before you’re even out of bed.

You walk around the hive, looking for him. Jade usually sleeps in late, so you expect she’s still asleep. Not that you care, you don’t like Jade all that much.

She’s such a little bitch.

After a while you kind of begin to panic. You really can’t lose them. If they end up dying or something, that will turn this into a doomed timeline and you really do NOT want that.

“John?” you yell “Buoy, where are you?! Shark Bait?!”

You start running through the house. You wonder why you’re so panicked, this isn’t normal for you! What the shell is going on?!

You run up to his room the throw the door open. You see that he’s stuck in his recuperacoon because someone blocked the exit. The chest that usually sits on the far wall has been placed on top of the opening of his ‘coon. You try to captchalogue it, but find you can’t.

It’s been captchalocked.

You get pissed. You use your psiioniics to throw the chest across the room. You dash over to John’s ‘coon and pull him out.

He’s crying.

“John, what’s wring?” you accidentally snarl it, but it doesn’t seem to scare him.

He begins trying to stutter out words, but he’s such a blubbering mess you can’t tell what he’s saying.

“SHUT THE GLUB UP!” you screech.

He shut his mouth, tears still streaming down his face.

“What happened?” you ask.

“J-J-Jade… She trapped me in my recuperacoon and--” he whipped around and snatched something off the side of his ‘coon you hadn’t noticed in your panic.

It’s a note. He quickly reads it over, and his face contorts with fear and more sadness.

You yank it out of his hands and read it yourself. It’s from Jade and it reads:

 

Dear Huge Bitch and John:

I’m running away. Fuck you, mom. I hate you and once I’m old enough I’m going to kill you and end your reign over the earth.

John, when you’re older and understand what’s happening, I’ll come back and get you. I promise.

-Jade

 

You snarl and tear up the note, tossing to the ground.

“That little bitch! After everyfin’ I did for her! She goes an’ does this!” you hiss as you rip up the note. Once the paper is nothing but shreds you throw it to the ground.

You look over at John to complain to him, but stop when you realize he’s crying. He’s made himself as small as possible and is crying into himself.

You soften just a little. You take his hand “Come on,” you say leading him down to the kitchen. As you lead him, he tries to cry silently, but you can hear it when he chokes on his breath and when it hitches.

You sit his down at the table, and walk over to the fridge.

{}{---}{}

Mom just sat you down at the table. You’re not sure what’s going to happen, and you don’t care. You miss Jade. You now know why she asked you if you’d run away with her. You feel so stupid. You should have realized this would happen.

Why do you have to be so stupid? You wipe your eyes, leaning down so your face rests on the table, you continue to whimper into the hard wood.

“Hey.”

You look up. Mom is standing before you, cake in her hands.

“You want some?”

You can’t help but smile a little

“Heh… Sure,” you say, and she smiles too.


End file.
